The Earth is Flat
11 September 2016

The Earth is Flat
Video for monitor   9 minutes   2001

A man holding a camera runs across a barren desert reciting jokes from memory. When both he and the jokes finally stop the camera scans the empty horizon.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud. Time flies like and arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. What goes black white, black white, black white? A penguin falling down the stairs. Why does Luke Skywalker know what you’re getting for Christmas? Because he can feel your presence. What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh. Why did the one legged chicken cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher, she couldn’t control her pupils. Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. Did you hear abut the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? he lay awake at night wondering if there is a dog. Doctor I’ve just swallowed a pillow. How do you feel? A little down in the mouth. What do you get if you cross a thief with an orchestra? Robbery with violins. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish. A policeman pulls over a driver. Would you blow into this bag for me sir? Why officer? Because my chips are too hot. What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edwood. What do you call a man with three wooden heads? Edwood wood wood. What do you call a man with four wooden heads? I don’t know but Edwood wood wood would. Why don’t blind people like sky –diving? Because it scares their dogs. What do you call a convertible Lada? A skip. Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other cannibal, does this taste funny to you? What goes mark mark? A dog with a hair lip. Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he was a fun-gi. A sausage walks into a bar and the barman says sorry sir but we don’t serve food. Did you hear about the mystic who refused dental treatment? He wanted to transcend dental medication. What is half of infinity? Nity. Why don’t lobsters share? Because they’re shellfish. A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a wasp. But we don’t sell wasps sir. Then why do you have one in the window. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other? Eileen. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. Have you heard about the rude ghost? She goes bum in the night. Two parrots sitting on a perch, one parrot says to the other, can you smell fish? What has four legs is green fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table. What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonky. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter he wont come anyway. How can you tell if a vampire’s been smoking? Because of his coffin. Why do elephants paint there toenails red? So they can hide upside-down in cherry tries. What did one spider say to the other? Time’s fun when you’re having flies. A termite walks into a bar and asks, is the bar tender here? What’s the smelliest thing in the world? An anchovy’s bottom. What did Snow White say to the chemist when he lost her film? Some day my prints will come. What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A head-banger. What’s blue and white and hides in trees? A fridge in a denim jacket. What do you get when you cross a comedian with a pair of knickers? A jester draws. What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog seller? Make me one with everything.